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As frustrating as people can be, it’s hard to find a good substitute.

– John Ortberg

In my work with couples I often find it helpful to discuss some of their recent arguments. We work to identify the triggers and the underlying beliefs that cause one or both partners to feel wronged. When describing events that lead up to a fight both sides of the story usually match up closely so simple misunderstanding wasn’t the issue. This will inevitably be followed by some version of the following statement: Well of course I was angry, I really thought he/she would have at least . . .

offered to pick up the kids for me that day

had dinner started when I got home

spent 10 minutes with me before turning on the TV

given me a hug and kiss goodbye

acknowledged the occasion with a gift

congratulated me for my promotion at work

This couple has fallen into the trap of unmet expectations. One of the many continuums relationships function along is the space between expectation and gratitude. The more expectations we place on our partner to meet our needs the more likely they are to fall short from time to time. When expectations aren’t met we often feel disappointment and resentment. Over time this can leave you feeling unloved by your mate. Additionally, expectations have a way of canceling out gratitude. We are rarely thankful when our partner merely meets our expectations.

Does this mean that we should do away with expectations? No, not at all. It is perfectly healthy to expect things in your marriage. Things like fidelity, sobriety, and mutual respect are the foundation strong marriages are built on. A previously good marriage that suffers an affair, one or both partners acquiring an addiction, or an erosion of respect for each other will quickly be in trouble. However, when you review the six  infractions listed above, do you think any one of those could spell doom for the relationship? Your answer may be no, but when you add the weight of expectations these comparatively small slips can do significant damage.

A two part remedy

1. Expect Less

Create a list of expectations that are absolute, non negotiable, and must be met at all times for you to feel secure in your marriage. There is no set limit, but I would estimate that if your list is getting much past the 8 – 10 item range you may have missed the spirit of the exercise. Once you have the list complete review it with a neutral third party (perhaps a friend or your favorite therapist) for feedback. Make any changes necessary before presenting the final list to your spouse as they present their final list to you. If there is any disagreement you will need to negotiate. Once you are in agreement on the expectations and have come to understand that these are the only absolute requirements to be met each and every day you and your partner can move on to the next step.

2. Request More

Create a list of things your spouse has done, currently does, and could do in the future that make you feel loved. There is no limit to this list, so go ahead and fill the page. Share your completed lists with each other and discuss how and why each item means so much to you. Agree to keep each others’ list in a highly visible place (e.g., your bathroom mirror) and try to do as many of these things for your spouse as you can over the next month. Each time your spouse does something for you from your list be sure to express thanks for their act of love. Over time you will notice that gratitude will replace unmet expectation and your relationship will improve.. The cycle of unmet expectations, hurt feelings, frustrations, and anger will become a cycle of feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling more positively connected to your spouse.

How would a little less disappointment and a little more appreciation effect your relationship?

It’s time to start expecting less and get more love!

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icon David M.

Bryan is an expert who understands how to break down and get to the root of an issue, and his strategies and approach were immensely helpful for my family. Above all, he truly cares about his patients and helps them. I cannot recommend him highly enough!

icon Lauren C.

I highly recommend Bryan for individual and couples therapy. He always made me feel comfortable and I felt like I could be myself which is super important when going to counseling.

icon Alan B.

In my time in Florida, I had the opportunity to work alongside Bryan in helping families and I believe him to be of high integrity and care with his patients. He demonstrates great knowledge of what each client needs and doesn't just care about the psychology behind the issues the clients face, but deeply cares about the patients. Long-term health is always the goal Bryan seeks to attain for each client. There are few counselors who care about their patients the way Bryan does. I would, and have, recommend him to any family or individual struggling with the issues life brings.

icon Tessa L.

I met with Bryan for about 8 months. I began meeting with him individually (for about 5 months) and for the final 3 months, my partner and I went together. We cannot be any more emphatic when we say that our experience with Bryan was wonderful.

Bryan demonstrates a superb level of care and commitment to his clients. He fosters an environment of openness, honesty, and acceptance that allows clients to confront their flaws and limitations in order to heal and make changes for the better. It is clear that Bryan is in this profession for all the right reasons and is gifted as a counselor. I would strongly recommend him to anyone.

Thank you Bryan!

icon Brett L.

To put it simply Bryan is a superstar! Yes, he is an excellent therapist...I have several family members and friends who have been referred to him, and he is absolutely wonderful. He has and uses a Christian foundation with his counseling and has a calm, pleasant demeanor that puts his patients at ease. He is insightful with his approach to therapy and I would recommend him to any colleague, friend, or patient without reservation.

icon Ashley M.

I started working with Bryan 7 months prior to writing this review. I went alone in hopes that he could help with some relationship issues I was unable to solve on my own. Bryan has been nothing short of a miracle in my life. My story is still being written, but I look forward to my appointments with him. He is calm, kind-hearted, and genuinely wants me to succeed. He looks at every angle and gives guidance/suggestions that only betters my situation. Bryan is extremely intelligent and knows how to help people. Better than that he enjoys helping people. I will continue to refer him to anyone and everyone. True companionate people are not just hard to find but he does with the intent of actually building his patients up. I can not say enough great things about him, and strongly recommend him to anyone in need.

icon Maria F.

My husband and I met with Bryan for about 5 months. The time and money we spent were without a doubt, one of the very best investments we have made for our marriage. The care and commitment with which Bryan treats his clients are outstanding. He patiently, kindly, and honestly helps clients understand situations or wounds with clarity to which he offers sound and concrete steps towards healing. Bryan helped my husband and I to grow as individuals as well as together as a couple, and our marriage was strengthened tremendously.

After our marriage counseling concluded, I continued to meet with Bryan individually for about 3 months. Bryan helped me to understand my need for a better relationship with God which sent me on a journey that completely changed my life. I continue to live with the same struggles (from an incurable medical issue) yet I no longer suffer from the debilitating depression it used to cause me. I will never be able to adequately thank Bryan for the gift his counseling gave me and my marriage.

I would highly recommend Bryan to anyone.

Thank you, Bryan!

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